Commenting: The Solypsisyphisticate #4

“Wife Swap” Is My Favorite Television Program

If you – ok, I – say the above combination of words to any self-respecting bohemian type, they’re likely to (a) ignore anything you say from that point on or (b) throw something at you – ok, me. Nevertheless, I’m willing to expose myself to ridicule and physical danger by saying exactly that. The conceit of the show is fairly self-explanatory: two families trade moms for two weeks. For the first week, the guest wife attempts to fill the role of the host wife, then in the second week, the guest mom makes the rules. The families are always separated by class, rural vs. (sub)urban environments, and parenting styles (see, for example, the bluegrass band family vs. the white rapper family, here).* Hilarity ensues as the new mom struggles to fit in with the host family. Unfortunately, ABC has moved the show from Wednesday to Friday this season, and I’ve made the decision that drinking is more important than Wife Swap. But where, oh where will I get my dose of fish-out-of-water, red-state-versus-blue-state antics?

Thank God for Sarah Palin. This Republican ticket is right out of the “Wife Swap” playbook: a spunky, small-town, working-class, fundamentalist Christian girl thrown into the national spotlight at the side of a decrepit, bicoastal, Episcopalian son of a Navy admiral. It’s non-stop laughs watching her gallavanting around with her comically mismatched, hot-tempered new mate, who obviously is displeased with her presence and was convinced to go along with this charade only because he needed the money and wanted to be on TV. But did Sarah ever luck out! Not only does she get to be on TV, her new family took her on a $150,000 shopping spree! Gee, most Americans can’t even afford $148 for a new dress!

For the first half of the swap, Sarah had to pretend like she was qualified to be the Vice President of these United States. She even got to meet Katie Couric and some funny-dressin’ A-rabs out in New York City. Everybody was real nice to her and proud of her for trying so hard, but goddang if she didn’t look a little silly. Somehow she made it through, and then it was McCain’s turn to follow her rules. Luckily he spent the last four years practicing his crazy right-wing schtick. “A” for effort, John, but everybody knows you’re faking it.

Well, come November 4th, Sarah’s gonna have to go back to her simple, working-class life as the mere governor of the largest state in the union, but we can at least hope that she will have learned something from the experience. Still, I would hate to be the one to have to tell her that all those fancy clothes are going to charity when the swap is over. Of course, I assume they’re not planning on dropping that stuff off at the Goodwill. Seems to me the only reasonable thing to do is auction them off to raise money for the proposed “Redneck Doublethink Hall of Fame, Museum, Church of God, and Titty Bar” on Main Street, Wasilla.

Next time on Presidential Wife Swap 2008, guess who’s coming to dinner? An African-American First Lady?! Get those TiVo’s ready, should be a humdinger.

* For maximum entertainment, though, the producers sometimes pick a relatively normal family to swap with a family of, say, raw foodist goat farmers or, uh, pirates.