Of My Elf and Riots

While I would love nothing more than to declare that this coming election is in the bag for Obama, that little elf named Pessimism is perched on my right shoulder. He whispers horrible things like, "Bradley Effect" and "low young voter turnout" into my ear and coos headlines like, "Underdog the Wonder Dog: McCain Wins," "McCain DOA in White House; Palin President." The bells on Pessimism's little shoes grate on my nerves with every sad elf-hop; I can't wait until Tuesday night when, hopefully, he and his taunts will disappear.



I suppose though, that my little elf and I are but an iota of the political tensions running high in America right now. It is a pleasant change to see Americans so opinionated and energized about politics. Sure, there are impassioned people every election, but it seems like the sheer amount of them hasn't been this big since the 1960s. Ah the 60s, hoses, protests, riots . . . which brings me back to my elf.

See, I can't help but give into his provocations sometimes, and I think "What if the Republicans somehow win?" Forget the disastrous long term effects. If Obama is robbed Tuesday night, I will certainly feel no small amount of rage, enough rage to break something, even throw a bottle or something. I am also sure, there will be people even angrier than myself. With revived political passion comes revived political response, intensified by a horrible economic cycle. Everybody knows what that means, right?! Riots! So to any prospective rioters out there, take heed and listen to the following plea.

Learn from the past. What does being mad and throwing a trash can through a local shop window get you? Um, not much. What statement does it make about yourself and the election? That you'll destroy your own things in your (most likely) Democratic voting district and let the majority of everyone who voted Republican go on their merry way and look down on us barbarian blue states. You gain nothing politically or otherwise and you'll have to commute to get your Wonder Bread and the ketchup for your recession soup for the next six months (mmmm, tastes so not like ketchup mixed with water!).

I am taking the time to make this suggestion: if you must riot, do it in a new, a progressive way: commuter rioting. Don't throw that bottle through your own window, hold on now! Hold that rage until you look at an election map. Now, if you don't feel like a long trip, look for a local district that voted red. Put on a coat, hop on the subway to one of these bastions of red, exit the subway and let that bottle wail.

If you are not only filled with rage, but also ambition, hop on a bus at Port Authority and take it to a red state and riot there! My guess is that if you've put in all this effort, you've brought more than just an empty bottle. Bring friends and make a trip out of it! Just remember, while NYC has decent gun control, a good majority of red state households are packin', so be on your toes!

So, while I hope my elf is wrong, and that come Tuesday I can say my vote helped get our first black President elected to office, if the worst happens and the ticket whose-names-I-cannot-bring-myself-to-type-again wins, remember: if you must riot, riot where it counts. Riot where it won't mess up your home, your grocery shopping, and your community. Riot where it shows you are smart and know who is responsible: be a commuter rioter.